January 27, 2007

I have a small fan club. There are two people in it, maybe 2 1/2. Ellie has suddenly decided that she must be where I am. She loves running her fingers in my hair - especially at the nape of my neck with her right hand. Those same fingers tug mercilessly on her own short hair whenever she is upset or nervous. She has developed a fascination with the family pictures in the hall. She pulls me by the hand into the hall and then grunts to be picked up. She points at the pictures and says "Who's at?" She will look at different pictures, but never says anything else.

Person #2 in my fan club would have to be Tyler, although I am sure he would prefer to have me snuggle with him more and to leave his chemo-chapped lips alone (enough with the Vaseline, mom!). He had a rough day and was very nauseous. He threw up three or four times. It's a blessing that he has a gastrostomy button. It really helps to alleviate the pressure.

Nicole is not a fan of me today. According to her, I'm a picky, picky person because I want her to shower the day before church and change her underwear. i interrupted her while she was making important repairs to a craft project. Then, she accidentally caught my throat with her shoulder when I hugged her goodnight. She had a little meltdown over her covers being very messy every single morning when she wakes up. "It's so unfair!" she screamed at me. "Just look at Michelle, her bed is never like mine, why does it do that?" (As though the bed is messing itself up every night).

Michelle isn't particularly fond of me today either. I happen to think it's a good idea to put things where they go rather than letting them hit the floor wherever you may be. She often leaves a trail of items and it is easy to see where she has been. C~ was with us all afternoon while her mom took their dog to the vet. He will probably have to be put down. That's a difficult thing, a pet becomes part of the family.

Spielberg might be the 1/2 of the 2 1/2. He had a good time at the BYU game today. It was the "whiteout" against Air Force. Everyone wore white and the stadium was nearly sold out. He and his friend B~ made up and rode to the game together, afterwards he and B~ (dad) went to Macey's for ice cream. I read to him from The Alliance - he is starting to get into it. It's a little difficult for him to follow.

B~ is definitely not a fan of mine today. I bumped a curb last night when I was out with Melanie and the hub cap rolled off the passenger tire. I only made 6 right turns with curbs, but I couldn't remember where it happened. I feel terrible. He got his hair cut and looks very nice. He never seems to age except for his salt and pepper hair.

And me - I don't belong to my fan club today either. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday. Today, no. I just need to let a little air out of my stress balloon. I have somehow become stuck in a pattern of being exasperated, frustrated, worn out, snappish, eating poorly, paying attention to things that don't really matter while neglecting those that do. To quote Susan P, "Stop the insanity!" A good primal scream might be in order here. I realize that I am patient with others only to the extent that I am patient with myself. How do I be more accepting of me and open my heart to others? I hope my kids feel that I love and not that I judge them, B~ too. I doubt it.

Can I have a do-over? And keep the perspective I'm gaining? I'd like to do it better, the whole darn thing - LIFE!

January 26, 2007

The Huntsman Cancer Center finally called. They wanted to see Tyler on Feb. 5th, but when I told them he would be having another scan on the 8th, they decided to see him on the 12th. He told me Dr. Chen is only seeing Tyler for a consultation and will not treat him since she is not a pediatric oncologist.

Nicole commented while I was talking to her -  "Mom, you say "slightly" a lot." Hmmm, I hadn't noticed that.

I have been trying a new herbal supplement that is supposed to enhance your mood It seems to make me feel extra edgy. I'm hoping it will balance out soon or I'll have to quit taking it.

Today Spielberg was deflecting a shot B~ took while they were playing basketball in his (B~'s) room and the ball accidentally hit his neon  BYU sign  and it broke. B~ took off and hid somewhere in his house. Spielberg went and found him and told him he didn't have to be so immature about it and that he shouldn't blame him since B~ was the one who took the shot. That didn't go over very well with B~. Spielberg felt very badly and came home upset. He told me and started crying. I should have been understanding, instead I took B~'s part in it. Spielberg called him to apologize, but he wouldn't come to the phone. I felt so bad for Spielberg. I didn't show it very well and because of that Spielberg acted out at me and we had an awful thing going. When will I remember that "Love is the answer"? I am so frustrated by the human-ness of me. I want so much to be better, to be who I know I am, but I keep sabotaging my efforts.

Michelle spent the day with her friend B~ and went to the mall. They ate breakfast at her house, then played at our house and finally had enough of each other and took a break.

B~ had a long, hard day at work. Meetings and reports - I gather. He was a sweetheart and stayed home with the kids while I went out with my friend Melanie. I love being around her. She is full of positive energy. I am going to get that back in my life. I want my kids to know and to feel that I love them, that they  are irreplaceable, and they have something to give that no one else can.

I can't believe I bought jewelry - I never do. I once bought a watch that was pretty, does that count? It's 2 AM and I should read Matthew and get some sleep. I did practice hymns today - I should have been practicing my Spanish.

November 3, 2006

I found this pen (the Zebra F402) at Walmart not Smith's. I bought 2 for $5.77 Funny, but I love the feel of writing with a good pen. I first borrowed it off a nurse in ICU, and then just had to have my own.

Tomorrow is my MRI. I'm pretty sure they won't find anything to surgically remove. It is my feeling that there is cancer in the notch of my collarbone, but I don't think they'll find it for a few years yet.

My mom asked me if Ty reliably communicates "yes" and "no". I told her that he does. She said she asked him if he could tell her if I'd be alright. He shook his head no. She said she somehow thought he might know the answer to that question.

I am wondering how one cultivates patience. I also wonder if the Lord is thinking - "How much more is it going to take before she (meaning me) will fully rely on and come to know Me (meaning God). I can no longer wonder or think with incredulity on those in ancient times who had so many trials and yet were too proud to go to the Lord. Somehow, it is inherent in human nature or an independent spirit to think that things must be conquered on one's own. I never really saw that as pride before, but know I know it must be. In the end, the only absolute is God and His love for us.

I am sure life would be different if I would allow myself to go to the Lord and entrust Him with my life. It is more than just saying I will or can do whatever trials come my way- it is realizing that it isn't just about enduring, but enduring with God. Submitting to His will and committing one's self to continual refinement and achieving a mission of inner peace/knowledge of God's love and sharing it with others. It is in being, not just doing. I want to follow these thoughts more deeply in the future.


Note to self: Remember Jauvert and Nike Slogan: Just Do It!


Children are people too. "Seeing another person as the problem, is the problem." I am the solution and the problem. I have the power to be both. What am I actively becoming, not just doing?


I know two or three genuine people. They are not perfect, they are people after all. But they are themselves all the time. It isn't forced, they give willingly of themselves because they genuinely care for and value others. They are a glimpse of God and I have not seen one bit of pretension in them: Diana S, Audrey (my grandmother), and Nina Faye I. are all living examples to me.


They are who I want to be like. It is far too awesome and quite impossible for me to think I have the ability to become like God. These women, however, are well on their way and help me to digest and bring it down to a level I can understand.


I took Nicole out for Chinese food, then we swung by and picked up a pizza for the rest of the gang. We put on our pajamas and watched a movie together downstairs - High School Musical. She was so cute and just oozed with little girl happiness from every pore. You could tell she felt special and savored every minute of it. I really love the way she scrunches up her nose and gives you a twinkly-eyed smile!