Michelle researched cows, chicken, wheat, corn - etc today. It was amazing. I wrote a paper about it. The difference was that she was excited about having a farm for our next house and so she did all of the work for it and found out what she could.
Nicole wants to make snowflakes tomorrow and drop them from the top of the stair railing. She is always wanting to make things and hang them up to beautify the house.
Spielberg worked on his Science Fair project. It involves levers and how to balance a heavy and light object.
B~ worked late tonight, but came home for Family Night and then went back to work.
Ellie's nose is still runny all the time, but she lets you wipe it if you say, "Noses." She says beebee for binky, ba-ba for bottle, ea for eat, dy-dy for Tyler and dada for dad, mom for mom, and nye-nye for night-night.
I am so tired of being stressed-out and having no desire to do anything. Only the kids keep me from hiding in bed all day. At the same time I feel this way, I also wish I could grab myself by the shoulders and give me a good shaking or something. I seriously feel like I have mud for brains sometimes. I can understand autistic behavior - when my world doesn't make sense I feel an overwhelming desire to bang my head against something. I never do it, but I wonder if it might be helpful or at least somewhat satisfying.
Back to real life - I did finish How Children Learn and have started to write a paper on it. I long to write well, not just the bits of reporting on what the kids did today - the real heart and soul meaty kind of writing that brings you into the moment and makes it really live. Sigh...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I said goodbye to Melanie today with a promise for a future visit to St. George - hopefully in February over President's Day weekend to go to the Parade of Homes. I really enjoyed her visit and am planning menus for healthy eating - something has got to change and it will only come if I start it.
I can't remember if I mentioned Ellie's word for banana - "namanamas"-she asks for it first thing when I change her diaper in the morning. She has begun pulling hair when frustrated, hers and ours. She seems fearless except when it comes to other people. Zippers are a new fascination for her, as well as stacking or nesting anything she finds, usually cups in the kitchen. Aunt M~ is trying to get her to start matching items. I know she is well-intentioned, but I don't feel good about it. At this point her play should be play and not testing or pleasing an adult. She is very bright and will have no problems picking those things up when she is ready to ad when it means something to her. Maybe I'll suggest just following Ellie's lead and doing Primary songs if she is interested.
Michelle snuggled with me during quiet time. Nicole has been devising "hanger traps" - when you open the door a whole chain of interlinked hangers goes crashing to the ground. It just sends her into fits of laughter. Michelle also wrote a cute note to me today. I believe I am going to design a family mailbox and see if they like the idea and use it.
I read more to Spielberg (and girls) from The Alliance. It is getting really interesting now and presents several ethical dilemmas and opportunities for discussion. Spielberg keeps asking questions and guessing what he thinks will happen. I love to see his mind at work. He designed several two-dimensional characters out of perler beads. They are plastic beads you place on a shape that has points sticking up (imagine a bed of nails). The you melt them together by ironing them together under a piece of parchment paper. He has come up with a clever way to make them stand stand and be able to hold things. Michelle accidentally knocked one over before it had fused together. I was impressed with how Spielberg handled it. He didn't show anger at all and they worked together to pick them up. He has a wonderful heart.
I cuddled with Tyler today too. He tried throwing up three times today.His tumor is quite squishy today. I tried the trick of putting baby powder in his hair so it would look less greasy (thank you teenage hormones). It worked.
I'm getting very tired, but I still have so much to do! I remember a quote from my high school seminary wall: "Days are like suitcases, some people can pack twice as much into theirs."
One of the boys in my class wrote a paper on "Would you rather have a leader with character or one with knowledge?" His paper was very insightful and he concluded that "Where you have faith, you also have knowledge." Very astute for a 14 yr old.
I can't remember if I mentioned Ellie's word for banana - "namanamas"-she asks for it first thing when I change her diaper in the morning. She has begun pulling hair when frustrated, hers and ours. She seems fearless except when it comes to other people. Zippers are a new fascination for her, as well as stacking or nesting anything she finds, usually cups in the kitchen. Aunt M~ is trying to get her to start matching items. I know she is well-intentioned, but I don't feel good about it. At this point her play should be play and not testing or pleasing an adult. She is very bright and will have no problems picking those things up when she is ready to ad when it means something to her. Maybe I'll suggest just following Ellie's lead and doing Primary songs if she is interested.
Michelle snuggled with me during quiet time. Nicole has been devising "hanger traps" - when you open the door a whole chain of interlinked hangers goes crashing to the ground. It just sends her into fits of laughter. Michelle also wrote a cute note to me today. I believe I am going to design a family mailbox and see if they like the idea and use it.
I read more to Spielberg (and girls) from The Alliance. It is getting really interesting now and presents several ethical dilemmas and opportunities for discussion. Spielberg keeps asking questions and guessing what he thinks will happen. I love to see his mind at work. He designed several two-dimensional characters out of perler beads. They are plastic beads you place on a shape that has points sticking up (imagine a bed of nails). The you melt them together by ironing them together under a piece of parchment paper. He has come up with a clever way to make them stand stand and be able to hold things. Michelle accidentally knocked one over before it had fused together. I was impressed with how Spielberg handled it. He didn't show anger at all and they worked together to pick them up. He has a wonderful heart.
I cuddled with Tyler today too. He tried throwing up three times today.His tumor is quite squishy today. I tried the trick of putting baby powder in his hair so it would look less greasy (thank you teenage hormones). It worked.
I'm getting very tired, but I still have so much to do! I remember a quote from my high school seminary wall: "Days are like suitcases, some people can pack twice as much into theirs."
One of the boys in my class wrote a paper on "Would you rather have a leader with character or one with knowledge?" His paper was very insightful and he concluded that "Where you have faith, you also have knowledge." Very astute for a 14 yr old.
January 27, 2007
I have a small fan club. There are two people in it, maybe 2 1/2. Ellie has suddenly decided that she must be where I am. She loves running her fingers in my hair - especially at the nape of my neck with her right hand. Those same fingers tug mercilessly on her own short hair whenever she is upset or nervous. She has developed a fascination with the family pictures in the hall. She pulls me by the hand into the hall and then grunts to be picked up. She points at the pictures and says "Who's at?" She will look at different pictures, but never says anything else.
Person #2 in my fan club would have to be Tyler, although I am sure he would prefer to have me snuggle with him more and to leave his chemo-chapped lips alone (enough with the Vaseline, mom!). He had a rough day and was very nauseous. He threw up three or four times. It's a blessing that he has a gastrostomy button. It really helps to alleviate the pressure.
Nicole is not a fan of me today. According to her, I'm a picky, picky person because I want her to shower the day before church and change her underwear. i interrupted her while she was making important repairs to a craft project. Then, she accidentally caught my throat with her shoulder when I hugged her goodnight. She had a little meltdown over her covers being very messy every single morning when she wakes up. "It's so unfair!" she screamed at me. "Just look at Michelle, her bed is never like mine, why does it do that?" (As though the bed is messing itself up every night).
Michelle isn't particularly fond of me today either. I happen to think it's a good idea to put things where they go rather than letting them hit the floor wherever you may be. She often leaves a trail of items and it is easy to see where she has been. C~ was with us all afternoon while her mom took their dog to the vet. He will probably have to be put down. That's a difficult thing, a pet becomes part of the family.
Spielberg might be the 1/2 of the 2 1/2. He had a good time at the BYU game today. It was the "whiteout" against Air Force. Everyone wore white and the stadium was nearly sold out. He and his friend B~ made up and rode to the game together, afterwards he and B~ (dad) went to Macey's for ice cream. I read to him from The Alliance - he is starting to get into it. It's a little difficult for him to follow.
B~ is definitely not a fan of mine today. I bumped a curb last night when I was out with Melanie and the hub cap rolled off the passenger tire. I only made 6 right turns with curbs, but I couldn't remember where it happened. I feel terrible. He got his hair cut and looks very nice. He never seems to age except for his salt and pepper hair.
And me - I don't belong to my fan club today either. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday. Today, no. I just need to let a little air out of my stress balloon. I have somehow become stuck in a pattern of being exasperated, frustrated, worn out, snappish, eating poorly, paying attention to things that don't really matter while neglecting those that do. To quote Susan P, "Stop the insanity!" A good primal scream might be in order here. I realize that I am patient with others only to the extent that I am patient with myself. How do I be more accepting of me and open my heart to others? I hope my kids feel that I love and not that I judge them, B~ too. I doubt it.
Can I have a do-over? And keep the perspective I'm gaining? I'd like to do it better, the whole darn thing - LIFE!
Person #2 in my fan club would have to be Tyler, although I am sure he would prefer to have me snuggle with him more and to leave his chemo-chapped lips alone (enough with the Vaseline, mom!). He had a rough day and was very nauseous. He threw up three or four times. It's a blessing that he has a gastrostomy button. It really helps to alleviate the pressure.
Nicole is not a fan of me today. According to her, I'm a picky, picky person because I want her to shower the day before church and change her underwear. i interrupted her while she was making important repairs to a craft project. Then, she accidentally caught my throat with her shoulder when I hugged her goodnight. She had a little meltdown over her covers being very messy every single morning when she wakes up. "It's so unfair!" she screamed at me. "Just look at Michelle, her bed is never like mine, why does it do that?" (As though the bed is messing itself up every night).
Michelle isn't particularly fond of me today either. I happen to think it's a good idea to put things where they go rather than letting them hit the floor wherever you may be. She often leaves a trail of items and it is easy to see where she has been. C~ was with us all afternoon while her mom took their dog to the vet. He will probably have to be put down. That's a difficult thing, a pet becomes part of the family.
Spielberg might be the 1/2 of the 2 1/2. He had a good time at the BYU game today. It was the "whiteout" against Air Force. Everyone wore white and the stadium was nearly sold out. He and his friend B~ made up and rode to the game together, afterwards he and B~ (dad) went to Macey's for ice cream. I read to him from The Alliance - he is starting to get into it. It's a little difficult for him to follow.
B~ is definitely not a fan of mine today. I bumped a curb last night when I was out with Melanie and the hub cap rolled off the passenger tire. I only made 6 right turns with curbs, but I couldn't remember where it happened. I feel terrible. He got his hair cut and looks very nice. He never seems to age except for his salt and pepper hair.
And me - I don't belong to my fan club today either. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday. Today, no. I just need to let a little air out of my stress balloon. I have somehow become stuck in a pattern of being exasperated, frustrated, worn out, snappish, eating poorly, paying attention to things that don't really matter while neglecting those that do. To quote Susan P, "Stop the insanity!" A good primal scream might be in order here. I realize that I am patient with others only to the extent that I am patient with myself. How do I be more accepting of me and open my heart to others? I hope my kids feel that I love and not that I judge them, B~ too. I doubt it.
Can I have a do-over? And keep the perspective I'm gaining? I'd like to do it better, the whole darn thing - LIFE!
January 26, 2007
The Huntsman Cancer Center finally called. They wanted to see Tyler on Feb. 5th, but when I told them he would be having another scan on the 8th, they decided to see him on the 12th. He told me Dr. Chen is only seeing Tyler for a consultation and will not treat him since she is not a pediatric oncologist.
Nicole commented while I was talking to her - "Mom, you say "slightly" a lot." Hmmm, I hadn't noticed that.
I have been trying a new herbal supplement that is supposed to enhance your mood It seems to make me feel extra edgy. I'm hoping it will balance out soon or I'll have to quit taking it.
Today Spielberg was deflecting a shot B~ took while they were playing basketball in his (B~'s) room and the ball accidentally hit his neon BYU sign and it broke. B~ took off and hid somewhere in his house. Spielberg went and found him and told him he didn't have to be so immature about it and that he shouldn't blame him since B~ was the one who took the shot. That didn't go over very well with B~. Spielberg felt very badly and came home upset. He told me and started crying. I should have been understanding, instead I took B~'s part in it. Spielberg called him to apologize, but he wouldn't come to the phone. I felt so bad for Spielberg. I didn't show it very well and because of that Spielberg acted out at me and we had an awful thing going. When will I remember that "Love is the answer"? I am so frustrated by the human-ness of me. I want so much to be better, to be who I know I am, but I keep sabotaging my efforts.
Michelle spent the day with her friend B~ and went to the mall. They ate breakfast at her house, then played at our house and finally had enough of each other and took a break.
B~ had a long, hard day at work. Meetings and reports - I gather. He was a sweetheart and stayed home with the kids while I went out with my friend Melanie. I love being around her. She is full of positive energy. I am going to get that back in my life. I want my kids to know and to feel that I love them, that they are irreplaceable, and they have something to give that no one else can.
I can't believe I bought jewelry - I never do. I once bought a watch that was pretty, does that count? It's 2 AM and I should read Matthew and get some sleep. I did practice hymns today - I should have been practicing my Spanish.
Nicole commented while I was talking to her - "Mom, you say "slightly" a lot." Hmmm, I hadn't noticed that.
I have been trying a new herbal supplement that is supposed to enhance your mood It seems to make me feel extra edgy. I'm hoping it will balance out soon or I'll have to quit taking it.
Today Spielberg was deflecting a shot B~ took while they were playing basketball in his (B~'s) room and the ball accidentally hit his neon BYU sign and it broke. B~ took off and hid somewhere in his house. Spielberg went and found him and told him he didn't have to be so immature about it and that he shouldn't blame him since B~ was the one who took the shot. That didn't go over very well with B~. Spielberg felt very badly and came home upset. He told me and started crying. I should have been understanding, instead I took B~'s part in it. Spielberg called him to apologize, but he wouldn't come to the phone. I felt so bad for Spielberg. I didn't show it very well and because of that Spielberg acted out at me and we had an awful thing going. When will I remember that "Love is the answer"? I am so frustrated by the human-ness of me. I want so much to be better, to be who I know I am, but I keep sabotaging my efforts.
Michelle spent the day with her friend B~ and went to the mall. They ate breakfast at her house, then played at our house and finally had enough of each other and took a break.
B~ had a long, hard day at work. Meetings and reports - I gather. He was a sweetheart and stayed home with the kids while I went out with my friend Melanie. I love being around her. She is full of positive energy. I am going to get that back in my life. I want my kids to know and to feel that I love them, that they are irreplaceable, and they have something to give that no one else can.
I can't believe I bought jewelry - I never do. I once bought a watch that was pretty, does that count? It's 2 AM and I should read Matthew and get some sleep. I did practice hymns today - I should have been practicing my Spanish.
January 25, 2007
Another Thursday, another chemo treatment. B~ has a lot going on at work right now, and was unable to go with me this time. We got Tyler loaded up, started off, smelled something funny, went around the block and back in the garage. I double-checked and sure enough he needed a second BM change. It was pretty messy and he needed a new pair of pants, I'm so glad we turned around. He would've been miserable riding all that way like that. We still made it to his appointment on time. He has lost about 6 pounds and still has high blood pressure so they've doubled his med (lysinopril).
His white blood cell count is 1.2 - low, but still high enough to receive chemo. He listened to Harp by the Sea (it was Pachelbel Canon in D), very soothing. I'm glad to have my mom along. We seem to have good conversations and talk about the things that matter. Today I walked her through a vision quest (that's how long we were in the patient room) although we were interrupted quite a few times. She's a good sport. Later, we talked about prayer and making it more meaningful. She told me of a manuscript she had read and it mentioned beginning a prayer by acknowledging Heavenly Father and who He is. Right away, that really gelled with me. I think I'll incorporate it in my prayers. We talked about family dynamics and the intricacies of each sister. It's great that we're all so different and that these differences can complement each other.
As I was reading Farmer Boy - about butchering time- Nicole asked, "What is yearling beef?" I told her it was a one year old cow. "Wait, that isn't fair. You mean the cow is just young, and now they're going to kill it? That's so mean!" We had a discussion about man's dominion over the earth and that animals were put here for us, by God, to be used wisely and carefully. That seemed to assuage her mind a little. She really gets absorbed in the stories.
Spielberg won't be skiing this coming Monday after all, P~ forgot that she has a cub scout field trip. He will have to wait for the following Monday. I tried to help him see the good he could try to get from it - we came up with - he'll have a whole 'nother week to be excited about it - and of course, he will get to practice patience.
Ellie has turned the left shoulder of everything I wear into her tissue. I have gone through an entire family-sized box of tissues trying to stay ahead of her runny nose - impossible! She loves to bring me her board books and flip through the pages. She is very observant and babble her own version of the story to me in babyspeak. It almost sounds like Mandarin Chinese sometimes.
Michelle spent a late night (until 8:30) at BR~'s house and has arranged a breakfast picnic for tomorrow. She made chocolate chip cookies with Aunt M~ today. Pretty tasty, although my own cookie cravings have dropped off.
Our Tuesday Key of Liberty simulation went well - the boys really had to find their own way through it. It was challenging and, of course, rewarding. They were the US Senate Armed Services committee and had to decide if they would support a presidential proposal to go in and take out Iranian nuclear facilities and detain their religious Imams. Each of them realized the are lacking in the skills needed to be a statesman.
Time is such a strange concept because it is going by all too quickly and yet all too slowly in the same instance.
Ty will have a scan on Feb. 8th to confirm that the tumor is really responding to chemo. I am still trying to shake off heavy, cloudy feelings. I feel a need to loosed my mind from it's coconut shell hardness and to let the sweet milk of kindness flow out.
Several hymns.
His white blood cell count is 1.2 - low, but still high enough to receive chemo. He listened to Harp by the Sea (it was Pachelbel Canon in D), very soothing. I'm glad to have my mom along. We seem to have good conversations and talk about the things that matter. Today I walked her through a vision quest (that's how long we were in the patient room) although we were interrupted quite a few times. She's a good sport. Later, we talked about prayer and making it more meaningful. She told me of a manuscript she had read and it mentioned beginning a prayer by acknowledging Heavenly Father and who He is. Right away, that really gelled with me. I think I'll incorporate it in my prayers. We talked about family dynamics and the intricacies of each sister. It's great that we're all so different and that these differences can complement each other.
As I was reading Farmer Boy - about butchering time- Nicole asked, "What is yearling beef?" I told her it was a one year old cow. "Wait, that isn't fair. You mean the cow is just young, and now they're going to kill it? That's so mean!" We had a discussion about man's dominion over the earth and that animals were put here for us, by God, to be used wisely and carefully. That seemed to assuage her mind a little. She really gets absorbed in the stories.
Spielberg won't be skiing this coming Monday after all, P~ forgot that she has a cub scout field trip. He will have to wait for the following Monday. I tried to help him see the good he could try to get from it - we came up with - he'll have a whole 'nother week to be excited about it - and of course, he will get to practice patience.
Ellie has turned the left shoulder of everything I wear into her tissue. I have gone through an entire family-sized box of tissues trying to stay ahead of her runny nose - impossible! She loves to bring me her board books and flip through the pages. She is very observant and babble her own version of the story to me in babyspeak. It almost sounds like Mandarin Chinese sometimes.
Michelle spent a late night (until 8:30) at BR~'s house and has arranged a breakfast picnic for tomorrow. She made chocolate chip cookies with Aunt M~ today. Pretty tasty, although my own cookie cravings have dropped off.
Our Tuesday Key of Liberty simulation went well - the boys really had to find their own way through it. It was challenging and, of course, rewarding. They were the US Senate Armed Services committee and had to decide if they would support a presidential proposal to go in and take out Iranian nuclear facilities and detain their religious Imams. Each of them realized the are lacking in the skills needed to be a statesman.
Time is such a strange concept because it is going by all too quickly and yet all too slowly in the same instance.
Ty will have a scan on Feb. 8th to confirm that the tumor is really responding to chemo. I am still trying to shake off heavy, cloudy feelings. I feel a need to loosed my mind from it's coconut shell hardness and to let the sweet milk of kindness flow out.
Several hymns.
January 24, 2007
Spielberg woke up at 5 AM, dressed, ate breakfast, and discussed the sacredness of the temple with B~. He returned at 8 AM - "It was awesome!" he said. He had such a great spirit about him. His eyes were sparkly. He's growing up.
I took the girls to the Hutchings Museum. They each made medicine bags. They put special things in their bags one of which is an empty pill capsule that you can fill with dirt from a special place - I think Michelle will collect some from my mom's house.
When I was reading Farmer Boy tonight, Nicole asked me if it was a real story about real people. I told her it was. She got very excited and said that's what she wanted to do. Tomorrow she wants me to help her write her life story. She pulled out her journal and is very excited to begin her writing career. She is worried though - she'd like to start from the very beginning (birth) and she's afraid she can't remember everything.
Michelle came home all excited about learning her Article of Faith from activity day. She began looking in her Faith in God booklet. She typed a letter to Kelley today on B~'s old laptop. Both girls would like to receive mail.
I thought my poor handwriting yesterday was a result of being tired - but I think it is due to lack of practice. My Visiting Teachers came and we discussed being an instrument in the Lord's hands. I told them about SayGoBeDo and how it means to say, go, be and do what you are prompted to do. It means being tuned to the Spirit. I struggle right now, I feel very worn down. I am not sleeping well, eating well, or thinking well. I sometimes think that if I just shake myself hard enough, everything will come into focus. I need to boss myself around and just do what needs doing. I know this and yet doing it is still such a distant thing. I will be better!
1 hymn. Finished Shakespeare Stealer w/Spielberg, ready to start The Alliance.
I took the girls to the Hutchings Museum. They each made medicine bags. They put special things in their bags one of which is an empty pill capsule that you can fill with dirt from a special place - I think Michelle will collect some from my mom's house.
When I was reading Farmer Boy tonight, Nicole asked me if it was a real story about real people. I told her it was. She got very excited and said that's what she wanted to do. Tomorrow she wants me to help her write her life story. She pulled out her journal and is very excited to begin her writing career. She is worried though - she'd like to start from the very beginning (birth) and she's afraid she can't remember everything.
Michelle came home all excited about learning her Article of Faith from activity day. She began looking in her Faith in God booklet. She typed a letter to Kelley today on B~'s old laptop. Both girls would like to receive mail.
I thought my poor handwriting yesterday was a result of being tired - but I think it is due to lack of practice. My Visiting Teachers came and we discussed being an instrument in the Lord's hands. I told them about SayGoBeDo and how it means to say, go, be and do what you are prompted to do. It means being tuned to the Spirit. I struggle right now, I feel very worn down. I am not sleeping well, eating well, or thinking well. I sometimes think that if I just shake myself hard enough, everything will come into focus. I need to boss myself around and just do what needs doing. I know this and yet doing it is still such a distant thing. I will be better!
1 hymn. Finished Shakespeare Stealer w/Spielberg, ready to start The Alliance.
January 23, 2007
Ellie was a mommy's girl today. She kept wanting to eat. She always does the sign for this and then points in the direction of what she wants. Her word for banana is "aminama" and all grown-ups are "mom". She grabs her blanket to bring with her whenever she gets up from bed/nap time. When she dances it looks like total body quivering.
My writing is hardly legible - too tired. Class went well, they felt the need for knowledge and men of faith and character.
Michelle did another 15 math lessons, someone has lit a math fire under her. She made a cute thing for Ty out of pipe cleaners and a sheet of paper.
Nicole kept "playing" at the piano and trying to help Ellie.
Tyler has only peed two times today and had a small bowel movement. Right now he keeps laughing in his sleep. His tumor is still measuring smaller - yes!
Spielberg is excited to go to the temple. I remember that stage and being excited as well.
B~ did work at home tonight.
We had the best clam chowder tonight - Carolyn Hamilton made it and brought it on Sunday. It was delicious!
I'm reading John Holt's How Children Learn and it reminds me to step back and let them learn - I don't need to micromanage them. I attended the Project Pyramid class and learned about navigation and taking angles of the sun and moon to find one's latitude. We also discussed the book, Carry On Mr. Bowditch - a great read, he truly was a passionate learner.
So sleepy...
Several hymns today, some sound right even.
My writing is hardly legible - too tired. Class went well, they felt the need for knowledge and men of faith and character.
Michelle did another 15 math lessons, someone has lit a math fire under her. She made a cute thing for Ty out of pipe cleaners and a sheet of paper.
Nicole kept "playing" at the piano and trying to help Ellie.
Tyler has only peed two times today and had a small bowel movement. Right now he keeps laughing in his sleep. His tumor is still measuring smaller - yes!
Spielberg is excited to go to the temple. I remember that stage and being excited as well.
B~ did work at home tonight.
We had the best clam chowder tonight - Carolyn Hamilton made it and brought it on Sunday. It was delicious!
I'm reading John Holt's How Children Learn and it reminds me to step back and let them learn - I don't need to micromanage them. I attended the Project Pyramid class and learned about navigation and taking angles of the sun and moon to find one's latitude. We also discussed the book, Carry On Mr. Bowditch - a great read, he truly was a passionate learner.
So sleepy...
Several hymns today, some sound right even.
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