Tuesday, February 15, 2011

November 3, 2006

I found this pen (the Zebra F402) at Walmart not Smith's. I bought 2 for $5.77 Funny, but I love the feel of writing with a good pen. I first borrowed it off a nurse in ICU, and then just had to have my own.

Tomorrow is my MRI. I'm pretty sure they won't find anything to surgically remove. It is my feeling that there is cancer in the notch of my collarbone, but I don't think they'll find it for a few years yet.

My mom asked me if Ty reliably communicates "yes" and "no". I told her that he does. She said she asked him if he could tell her if I'd be alright. He shook his head no. She said she somehow thought he might know the answer to that question.

I am wondering how one cultivates patience. I also wonder if the Lord is thinking - "How much more is it going to take before she (meaning me) will fully rely on and come to know Me (meaning God). I can no longer wonder or think with incredulity on those in ancient times who had so many trials and yet were too proud to go to the Lord. Somehow, it is inherent in human nature or an independent spirit to think that things must be conquered on one's own. I never really saw that as pride before, but know I know it must be. In the end, the only absolute is God and His love for us.

I am sure life would be different if I would allow myself to go to the Lord and entrust Him with my life. It is more than just saying I will or can do whatever trials come my way- it is realizing that it isn't just about enduring, but enduring with God. Submitting to His will and committing one's self to continual refinement and achieving a mission of inner peace/knowledge of God's love and sharing it with others. It is in being, not just doing. I want to follow these thoughts more deeply in the future.

Note to self: Remember Jauvert and Nike Slogan: Just Do It!

Children are people too. "Seeing another person as the problem, is the problem." I am the solution and the problem. I have the power to be both. What am I actively becoming, not just doing?

I know two or three genuine people. They are not perfect, they are people after all. But they are themselves all the time. It isn't forced, they give willingly of themselves because they genuinely care for and value others. They are a glimpse of God and I have not seen one bit of pretension in them: Diana S, Audrey (my grandmother), and Nina Faye I. are all living examples to me.

They are who I want to be like. It is far too awesome and quite impossible for me to think I have the ability to become like God. These women, however, are well on their way and help me to digest and bring it down to a level I can understand.

I took Nicole out for Chinese food, then we swung by and picked up a pizza for the rest of the gang. We put on our pajamas and watched a movie together downstairs - High School Musical. She was so cute and just oozed with little girl happiness from every pore. You could tell she felt special and savored every minute of it. I really love the way she scrunches up her nose and gives you a twinkly-eyed smile!

1 comment:

Emma J said...

enduring *with* God - I think you're right.