Sunday, May 1, 2011

January 27, 2007

I have a small fan club. There are two people in it, maybe 2 1/2. Ellie has suddenly decided that she must be where I am. She loves running her fingers in my hair - especially at the nape of my neck with her right hand. Those same fingers tug mercilessly on her own short hair whenever she is upset or nervous. She has developed a fascination with the family pictures in the hall. She pulls me by the hand into the hall and then grunts to be picked up. She points at the pictures and says "Who's at?" She will look at different pictures, but never says anything else.

Person #2 in my fan club would have to be Tyler, although I am sure he would prefer to have me snuggle with him more and to leave his chemo-chapped lips alone (enough with the Vaseline, mom!). He had a rough day and was very nauseous. He threw up three or four times. It's a blessing that he has a gastrostomy button. It really helps to alleviate the pressure.

Nicole is not a fan of me today. According to her, I'm a picky, picky person because I want her to shower the day before church and change her underwear. i interrupted her while she was making important repairs to a craft project. Then, she accidentally caught my throat with her shoulder when I hugged her goodnight. She had a little meltdown over her covers being very messy every single morning when she wakes up. "It's so unfair!" she screamed at me. "Just look at Michelle, her bed is never like mine, why does it do that?" (As though the bed is messing itself up every night).

Michelle isn't particularly fond of me today either. I happen to think it's a good idea to put things where they go rather than letting them hit the floor wherever you may be. She often leaves a trail of items and it is easy to see where she has been. C~ was with us all afternoon while her mom took their dog to the vet. He will probably have to be put down. That's a difficult thing, a pet becomes part of the family.

Spielberg might be the 1/2 of the 2 1/2. He had a good time at the BYU game today. It was the "whiteout" against Air Force. Everyone wore white and the stadium was nearly sold out. He and his friend B~ made up and rode to the game together, afterwards he and B~ (dad) went to Macey's for ice cream. I read to him from The Alliance - he is starting to get into it. It's a little difficult for him to follow.

B~ is definitely not a fan of mine today. I bumped a curb last night when I was out with Melanie and the hub cap rolled off the passenger tire. I only made 6 right turns with curbs, but I couldn't remember where it happened. I feel terrible. He got his hair cut and looks very nice. He never seems to age except for his salt and pepper hair.

And me - I don't belong to my fan club today either. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday. Today, no. I just need to let a little air out of my stress balloon. I have somehow become stuck in a pattern of being exasperated, frustrated, worn out, snappish, eating poorly, paying attention to things that don't really matter while neglecting those that do. To quote Susan P, "Stop the insanity!" A good primal scream might be in order here. I realize that I am patient with others only to the extent that I am patient with myself. How do I be more accepting of me and open my heart to others? I hope my kids feel that I love and not that I judge them, B~ too. I doubt it.

Can I have a do-over? And keep the perspective I'm gaining? I'd like to do it better, the whole darn thing - LIFE!

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